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(Taken From My Official Newsletter, Issue 32,
September 2004)
Screw big and tall stores!
There I said it. Yeah, I'm heightest and circumferentially
biased. So sue me. I have good reason.
The reason I'm anti-big and tall is
that no one does little guy clothes. Everyone assumes you
can wander over to the "mommy's
little soldier" department and pick up something petit
there. Well, I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me. Do you think
I actually want to wear "Finding Nemo" and "Spiderman
2" tee shirts? Actually, I do, but that's not the point.
Getting clothes from the children's section shouldn't be the
solution. Sometimes, I want to wear grown-up clothes, just
in small sizes.
What has really gotten me riled up
is former heavyweight boxing champion, George Foreman. Having
now grown out of his obsession with grilling food, he's moved
on to the clothing business. He's promoting Casual Male Big & Tall's
Signature Collection. This is a range of clothes with expandable
waistbands and collars, courtesy of a telescopic tab that
bridges the gap when you can't button up that collar or your
trousers. There are also shirts and jackets with insert panels
for that little extra room.
This is another example of big people throwing their weight
about to get what they want. It's easy to see their problems
because they are so visible. Well, little guy issues are big
issues too. I shouldn't have to have every pair of jeans and
trousers altered because 28-Short or 30-Short isn't all that
short. When I put on a shirt, it shouldn't come down to my
knees and I shouldn't have to follow a careful rolling and
folding procedure to prevent myself from sitting on my shirttails
and garroting myself. It would be nice to wear a hat that doesn't
double for a bucket.
The US prides itself on being an equal opportunity nation.
It's a land of minorities made up from people recognized by
their color, sex, creed and disability. One minority that is
never mentioned is men of reduced size. Well, little men have
the right to be heard too.
I want to form a pressure group that will force state and
federal governments to recognize the plight of the little men.
This is my list of demands:
1. Trousers to be manufactured with
an inseam of less than 30".
2. Stores to stop stocking the small sizes on the highest
shelves because it's funny to watch little people jump up or
ask a tall person for help.
3. The halting of all snide remarks
from shoe store clerks who say, "You know what they
say about men with small feet?"
4. The installation of adult high chairs in restaurants and
the elimination of barstools by 2008.
5. Randy Newman to serve a life sentence for his song, SHORT
PEOPLE. (You might not want any short people around you, Mr.
Newman, but don't worry, we ain't too keen on you, either!).
Remember you heard it here first. The little people are rising
up. Just mind your ankles.
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